How to Be Happy: Have Great Sex
Source: By SARAH TRELEAVEN
Posted: 10/01/08 5:39PM
Filed Under: Family
How to be happy. That's really what it all comes down to, isn't it? Even if life has been chugging along at a fairly joyous pace, most of us would admit a little more happy couldn't hurt. Often all that requires is a gentle reminder of how good we already have it or a simple tweaking of our glass-half-empty perspectives in order to turn the tide.
This column does just that. Each week, Sarah Treleaven seeks out someone who has gained wisdom and insight into how to live a happier, more fulfilling existence and gets their best advice.
This week: Shannon Ethridge’s new book, The Sexually Confident Wife: Connecting with Your Husband Mind Body Heart Spirit, offers advice on how women can enjoy great sex with their partners without inhibition or self-doubt. Here, she discusses what often keeps women from enjoying sex and what we can do to spice things up in the bedroom.
Rate Your Sex Life |
According to a 1995 study, 3% of married women reported they have never had sex in the past year, 12% reported only a few times in the past year, 47% reported a few times in the past month, 32% reported 2-3 times a week, and 7% reported 4 or more times a week. All facts from The Kinsey Institute. |
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Q: Why do women need a book to tell them how to reinvent their sex lives with their husbands? Why isn’t this second nature?
A: We live in a world where female sexuality is an embarrassing taboo rather than an enriching treasure. We grow up hearing, “Good girls don’t.” So we put a wedding band on our finger, then feel like we have to be a “bad girl” to be good in bed.
Q: What’s the state of contemporary married sex? In your book, you list some pretty bleak statistics.
A: Sexually satisfied couples are becoming an endangered species. According to Family Circle magazine, only 8% of women consider their sex lives “very hot.” Twenty-one percent call their sex life “routine and boring.” Another 21% of respondents asked, “What sex life?”
Q: Why do women struggle so much with expressing themselves sexually? What keeps us from enjoying sex?
A: The list seems endless. Poor body image… low self-esteem… scars from sexual abuse… shame over pre-marital or extramarital relationships… spiritual guilt… fear of judgment… lack of knowledge about male and female sexuality… these are all big hurdles that hold women back in the bedroom.
Q: Why is a healthy sex life important to a marriage?
A: Marriage is the only safe relationship where we can express ourselves sexually and enjoy intimate pleasures without guilt or fear. A husband and wife who live together in a sexless marriage are more like roommates than soul mates.
Q: Is there such a thing as “normal” when it comes to married sex, or is every couple different? What should your expectations be?
A: Each person’s sexuality is as unique as their fingerprint, so a married couple should expect differences to arise in the bedroom. “Different” doesn’t mean “bad.” With open communication and healthy compromise, differences can lead to deeper levels of trust and intimacy.
Q: If you want to pep up your sex life, where do you start?
A: Before you focus on what’s happening between the sheets, focus on what’s happening between your ears. What are your attitudes about male and female sexuality? Where do they come from? Do they create bridges that connect, or walls that separate?
Q: Is it essential for women to embrace their bodies and be aware of what they want before they can really begin to give to their partner?
A: Most women are sexually competent, but they deserve to be sexually confident – knowing what brings both of them pleasure, and not being too inhibited or ashamed to enjoy it. Sexual confidence is the birthright of every woman, and one of the deepest desires of every husband for his wife.
Q: Name some of your top practical tips for spicing things up in the bedroom.
A: Men are visually stimulated, so women need to get over our body image hang-ups, get naked, and even get on top sometimes so he can drink your beautiful body in through his eyes. Intimacy is much more enjoyable as a spectator sport than with the lights off and the covers up.
Click here for more information on The Sexually Confident Wife
How to Be Happy Archives
Last week: How to be happy by embracing adventure. Shortly after their engagement, Julie Angus and her now husband, Colin, spent five months rowing across the Atlantic Ocean.
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How going green can change your life for the better.
See the glass half full and no more pity parties
Why Getting on the Forbes' Richest List Won't Make You Happier
Be happier by letting go of perfection
Two bachelors search America for the secret to a happier marriage
Robyn Okrant, a 35-year-old actress in Chicago, has decided to spend a year following all of the advice that Oprah doles out in the hopes of "living her best life."
One woman quits smoking and changes her life
Learning to go with the flow and even enjoy vacuuming
Jogging along the road to happiness. How exercise improves mood
What if you had 37 days left to live?
Ninety percent of work happiness is attitude.
Were you born happy or do you default to melancholy? It doesn't really matter because happiness is in your control.
Writer Alain de Botton explores our physical surroundings, and we wonder, does your house make you happy?
John Wood, a successful executive at Microsoft quit his job and founded Room to Read to improve the lives of children in the developing world.
Pamela Moulton, a former printing executive who now spends her days tending grapevines in northern California, explains what she did to feel OK after losing her husband in an accident.
Dr. John Izzo explains our three main sources of misery and how to stop them.
Gretchen Rubin spent a year testing every happiness-enforcing principle she could find; get her top tips for a fulfilling life.
Triathlete, Brian Doan on beating cancer and gaining perspective.
Author Daniel Nettle posits that perhaps humans don't want to be happy
Brian Klemmer describes how to live by the code of the Samurai, which includes an emphasis on personal values and civic service.
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